Crocodile jataka

Once Jah Buddha sat under his tree and had a conversation with his disciples about the boundlessness of boundless and nonexistence of existing. Their discussion wasn't really profound but kinda extremely pleasant. It smoothly passed onto another interesting subject: how funny it is to smoke up square first-timers, especially girls. For some reason, Jah Buddha didn't like this topic and finally put in: "Girls, yeah. Girls are obstacles in the way of enlightenment. It reminds me an episode from my practice which happened five or six centuries ago. Let me tell you the story..."

So. Five or six hundreds years ago the very crocodile lived in a lake. He was such a crocodile that when he showed up from his burrow, all living creatures around hid their asses, trembling. It's because everything he did was eating somebody. So, he swam in the lake and saw a wasted toad, recklessly steering almost right to his jaws. The crocodile was surprised: "Hey, toad! What are you, nuts? Are you tired of your life or something?" The toad answered: "Oh boy, this is an interesting question! It is a kind of question I should think on it to find out if I am really tired of my life. Instead of all this thinking why don't we better drink some whisky?" The crocodile meditated on it a bit and told: "Sheesh! I lived so many years and never tried whisky in my life." The toad replied: "Then what are we waiting for? It's not a rocket science! Let's go!"

So, they swam to get some whisky and wasted themselves as the model boozehounds, reasoning all the time about if the life is worth living or not but didn't arrive to any conclusion. They decided to postpone a final debate until the next paycheck. They started to meet for discussions two or three times a week. The toad insisted: "Everything is a crap in this life except of whisky and sex, which, however, also can be replaced with whisky." The crocodile gradually adopted this theory and so got into it that he even started to eat only every second time especially since tough guys don't eat when drink and there is no appetite during a hangover anyway. So, now you know how it was...

Once the toad woke up with massive wicked hangover - it was so fucking nasty that eyeballs were out and the head swelled twice a size. And no bloody money left to buy some cure. By the way, it is a real-life illustration of the principle that suffering arises from attachment to desires. The toad swam up to the shore hoping to meet some of her buddies to solicit at least one beer.

On the shore an old wolf sat and smoked a reefer. The toad jumped to him: "Wolf, hey, wolf, look at my horrible suffering, would you please buy me just one drink?" The old wolf answered: "Listen, toad... Let me shotgun you and you'll fell much better. Just inhale and don't exhale as long as you can." The toad immediately opened the mouth and old wolf blown her up wit such a fat shotgun she even tossed up and fall into the lake! She came to consciousness only at the bottom of the lake and felt as high as she never did!

And, here he is, her friend the crocodile - hangover covered him with pimples, so he looked like a huge cucumber. He told: "Uhm, toad... If you would know, how ruined I am..." The toad answered: "Swim up to the shore, there is a do-good old wolf cures everybody."

So, the crocodile floated to the shore and saw that the old good wolf is sitting there being already totally good enough and looking at him with square eyes and wide-opened jaw. The old wolf told in shock: "TOAD! IT'S ENOUGH FOR YOU! EXHALE NOW!!!"

The crocodile gathered all his breath and exhaled all of a sudden! And, suddenly, dug it all! He dug everything so much that he soared over the lake for whole three days, preaching dharma to all the beast of the underwater kingdom. Then, he became a wise airplane and flown away to the sky. He never ate a living creature again but perfected himself in overcoming passions and reached full self-realization in ninety-six days after his historic exhale.

After finishing this edifying story, Buddha told: "Those times, Anslinger Buddha was a crocodile, Lucy was a toad, Ricky was a wolf, the vortex of mundane passions was a lake, whisky was deuce a quart, my teaching was a reefer, and I was a shotgun myself."

English translation: (c) juzy