About the doomsday device

The defense minister made an exhibition of himself. He treated the president with a Greek Plonk Brandy. He bought it in a duty-free. The president almost puked after the first sip. After catching his breath, he started to swear foully then told: "They must be killed for that!"

Of course, it was too rashly of him. In fact, it was just a saying. But the defense minister understood it like a soldier and started a draft. Next day he reported to the president: "We are ready to start a war with Greece. Just issue an order - and we'll start to kill'em all!"

The president told: "You want to be a hero, eh? May I remind you that the Allies will take their side?"

The defense minister told: "Fuck the Allies! We have four five hundreds twenty ten of A-bombs! If the Allies will take their side - we'll kill'em all, too. They deserved this fate long time ago!"

The president told: "Everybody has A-bombs these times. Everybody also has H-bombs, V-bombs and so on... All that we have, everybody has, too. So stop the draft and start to take a Valium, man."

The defense minister told: "What if we were having a weapon that nobody has?" The president answered dreamily: "Well, if the Queen had balls she'd be the King." The defense minister told: "I got your idea! We'll have such a weapon!"

And he summoned scientists then told them: "Hey, nerds, invent for me such a weapon that nobody has." The scientists answered: "We already did."

Then, the defense minister asked them: "So why didn't you make it yet?" Scientist answered: "Well, we're out of funds, and this shit is expensive - it'd cost a truckload of cash."

The defense minister coughed up a full truck of cash from his own stash and gave them a three-week deadline. The scientists took this money and did what they invented long time ago.

So, they made a ganja-generator. It is such a thingamajig that treats any grass with special rays - ANY grass, even one from your front lawn! - and after that it has 20-30% THC. They spent hundred grands on this smart thingie, and yoinked the rest of cash in a sec. For the last two hundred bucks they bought brushes, paints, clear plastic, an emergency siren and three Xmas lights. Then they took a broken commercial fridge from someone's garage, removed condenser coils from its back, put Xmas lights instead of them and covered the fridge with dozens of old motherboards, connected them with cables, attached some valves, capacitors and transformers everywhere it's possible - so now it looks like a cyberpunk mainframe. They covered all this muthafucka with a clear plastic box, put an emergency siren and an accumulator inside the fridge and disguised them with a crazy construction made from the fridge coils and all the scrap metals they found in their garages. Then, they weld wheels and a huge knife-switch to the fridge, painted it khaki and covered it all over with scary drawings - it's so funny to do such an artwork when you are stoned! Finally, they put a huge padlock on the fridge door, put a digital lock on the switch, rolled this piece of crap to the defense minister and told: "Here is your super-weapon!"

The minister told: "Wow! But how it works?" The scientists answered: "Well, it's easy. Look, if you put this switch on - the mechanism inside will start the process which burns thru the superstring which holds together our entire space-time continuum so all the Universe will cease to exist. Simpler to say, this muthafucka can destroy the entire world in thirty seconds!"

The minister told: "Good job, eggheads! This is the real super-weapon! Now we can really conquer the world!" He ordered to hide the super-weapon in the super-bunker, came to the president with a report and demanded to test the weapon ASAP, so all the world will see and tremble.

The president told: "But how are you going to test it?" The defense minister answered: "This is simple! We bring the device to a firing range and call the media. I will come before them in my full dress uniform, deliver a speech and pull the switch... Ta-dam! And everything disappears!"

The president told: "Well-well-well... You will disappear, I will disappear and the media will disappear, too. It's kind of destroys all the universe, right?"

The defense minister told: "Don't bullshit me, man! They won't let me pull the switch. They gonna grasp me by the hand, grovel at my feet and lick my boots! This way, we will conquer the world without a single shot and will dictate it our own rules!"

The president told: "But what if they won't be frightened and won't grasp you by the hands? If you will really have to pull the switch?"

The defense minister answered: "Then we commence on the plan 'Yes We Can'." He took his cell and called: "Yes We Can, guys!" The president guard broken into and canned the president immediately. The minister told him: "Don't take offence, bro. Now you will go on a vacation for a couple of weeks. When you'll be back - you will rule the world."

Now everything goes according to the defense minister's plan. A press release is issued, the day of testing is set, media are accredited, and military attaches of rival countries are invited. The world's reaction is slightly ironic, though. Newspaper put it into the oddities column, journalists are making jokes of it, and the defense minister is getting mad. He already is ready to destroy the world for real and for good without any remorse.

Finally, the D-day came. Media and servicemen are on the range. Soldiers in their full dress uniforms are solemnly ook out the doomsday device, uncovered it and stood stock-still in a guard of honor. Journalists are giggling: many of them already recognized a commercial fridge in this device. The defense minister frowned at them, comes to the knife-switch and delivered the following speech:

"Ladies and gentlemen! Today we will demonstrate you our new super-weapon, which is based on modern physical theory of superstrings. Now I'll pull this switch on and turn this world off, forever and irrevocably. Objections and petitions will not be accepted anymore - you had whole two weeks to submit them. Instead of that you were making fun of it, disbelieving me - now you gonna pay for it!"

And he is taking off the digital lock from the switch - slowly, because his hands are shivering. Journalists became silent, soldiers became silent, the dead silence set in! At this moment, one journalist yelled: "May I ask you a question?"

The defense minister roared with a demonic laughter: "You will ask your questions after the test!" He pulled the switch... and it started to blink! and wail! and a loudspeaker started counting out: "Thirty... Twenty-nine... Twenty-eight... Twenty-seven..."

A stunning toilet smell covered the range. At this moment, everybody crapped their pants, even cynical journalists. Somebody ran away, somebody even tried to hide in a pit, somebody started to pray to the Lord for the first time in their lives. The defense minister was standing there pale but proud, holding the switch tightly and repeating silently, only with his lips: "Twenty-one... Twenty... Nineteen..."

On the count of "Fifteen..." he finally gets it and starts to cry quietly. On the count of "Eight..." he's trying to put the switch back. But the switch is an old, Soviet-made one - it jammed tightly and can't be moved without a sledgehammer. On the count of "Two..." the minister is already hangs on it with his entire hulk, setting his feet against the wall - but no way! they knew indeed how to make knife-switches in the Soviet Union! On the count of "Zero..." the minister passes out and falls to the ground - and, after just a few seconds, journalists are came to themselves and ran to him, pushing each other, to make shots which will be on the front pages of all newspapers tomorrow! Even soldiers can't put them away, such excited they became!

After such an embarrassment, the defense minister lost his prestige even to himself. The president returned from the vacation and put the minister into a nuthouse. Then, he personally visited the scientists, decorates them with State Awards and had a long conversation about needs of national science. Finally he asked, trying to make it look as casual as he can: "But, why your device didn't destroy the world, after all?"

Scientists answered: "We made it fool-proof, that's why! If it is blinking and wailing and the switch is stuck - it means the protection is activated. In fact, it is not that easy to destroy the Universe. There are some tricks we didn't show to this military guy. If you want, we can explain and show them to you."

The president tells: "Thank you, but I don't need it. And... you know what? Disassemble this damn muthafucka apart and destroy all the design documents, so it won't put idiots into a temptation. We don't need such a weapon now. We'd better invent something to make military guys to stop bullying and start thinking. And to make the rest of people to stop to confront, fight over nothing and blame each other, but to calm down and mind their own business instead. Can you, scientists, invent such a thing?

Scientists answered: "We already did! We even built and tested it - it is even ready for mass production!"

And they demonstrated to the president their ganja-generator.

English translation: (c) juzy http://juzy.livejournal.com